Rational Thinking

So, I was just talking to Alyson at the coffee shop because coffee shops are cool and I'm the coolest, and I was telling her how I was watching this movie on tv last night. It was called Blame It On Rio, and it's about this old guy who's married and in love with a teenager. And the teenager is really really really hot, right? And Alyson, always high on her horse, tries to cut me off. Oh, like she doesn't bore me to death with a total chronological outline of everything she did at the office today, like making coffee 4 times, stapling lots of papers, getting annoyed with her stupid coworkers, cleaning bloodstains, disengaging loaded weapons, feeding the cat, stripping cars, and blah blah blah. ENOUGH. Can't I just talk about how much I admired this fine specimen of jiggly hotness? No. Sorry. She suggested that I go home and have a little date with some internet pictures of this actress. And I asked her to elaborate. She was like, you should have some private time. And I was like, what do you mean, private time? And she says, you know, give yourself a hand for appreciating beauty. And I'm like, you're losing me. And she's like, go look her up and give it a whack. And I'm like, like you mean, try and send her a love letter? And she's like, break out the Jerkins. And I'm like, do you think my skin is dry? And she's like forget it. Forget what? Forget what? Hey, I'm talking to you. HEY!

Women just don't understand. I'm not objectifying this actress. I love everything about her body. And I know that if I could travel back in time (because the movie was old), become a movie star, bump into her at some wrap party, and she was a total slut, I could totally get it on with her. What's so fucking wrong with that? It's not like I'm a pig or anything. I wouldn't exploit her sluttiness. I would take care of her and buy her flowers and all that silly shit that girls go crazy for.

No, I'm kidding. Flowers are too expensive. No, actually I really do enjoy doing nice things for a girl I like. I'm a total gentleman. I hate pigs. I'm an asshole, sure. But not a pig. There's a big difference. I'm not going to lay it out for you here. But you know there's a difference.

Women want it all. They want equality but they want you to open the door for them and take care of them and stuff. I'm fine with either, but which one do you really want? And then, they're all like, "Oh, you guys just don't understand. Girls are just as gross as boys." And then you start farting and picking your balls and they just can't handle it. Not handle the balls. I mean, just handle the situation. Or, they're like "Don't hump me in public." Foofiness. I tells ya, it drives a man/boy crazy! These mixed signals. These double standards. These females with their concept of 'logic'. Seriously. You know what I'm talking about.

I know I know, I sound all negative and shit. But I love the females. Very often, I would choose the company of a female over a guy. This isn't because I'm gay or anything. I just think that it's cool to mix it up a little. Infiltrate enemy territory. Try to learn something new. Get a different perspective on life. Understand. Tolerate. Love.

But it all boils down to their insanity. I'm not suggesting that any one particular female in my life (not that there are very many) is particularly insane, just that they all are. God love 'em; they're hopeless.

True, guys are insane too, but in a very straightforward way. Like, "Hey, boobies! Gimmie!" Or perhaps, "Hey, stuff - let's break it!" But that's about it. After you get over that, it's not hard to understand us. Women are like the stock market or the least significant digit of Pi. There is no definable pattern. There is no way to predict them. You just have to ride it out and be amazed at the shit that comes out of their mouths.

It's entertainment at its finest. It really is kind of beautiful in a twisted way.

So, I raise a bottle of Boone's to you, Alyson, and all the other crazy females. Women keep things interesting. Though you keep reality shows and Dr. Phil on television, I still love you. You truly are the living embodiment of the chaos theory. Now quit bitching when I tell you about some sweet girly I just saw, ok?

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